I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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