the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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