Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
