True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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