i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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