I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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