I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
