A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
