If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
