what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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