i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
