They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
