I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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