it's not cheating when I paid for it
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
