The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
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a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
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All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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