we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
