kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I supernannyed him into submission
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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