So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
