i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
