He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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