Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
