he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
