at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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