Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
