youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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