we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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