The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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