On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
