if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
