Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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