New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
