After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
