my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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