I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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