I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
