Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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