i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
