everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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