He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
