He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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