Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
