I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
