I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
