Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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