woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
