Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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