This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
