trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
