just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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