We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
