I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
