you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
