I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
