I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
