Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
