Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
