I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
