I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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